Brent Amacker's

Brent Amacker's
A Slightly Different Perspective

Sunday, November 1, 2009

AUBURN Sets Higher Cheerleader Appearance, Hygiene Standards

Auburn, AL- Auburn University has announced that a brand new "Cheerleader Standard GameDay Appearance" initiative will change the Tigers' Pep Squads for the better.

After years of barnyard confusion and a lack of winning ribbons at both local and regional county fairs, University officials determined that a major change was in order.

The new requirements won't really differ a lot from the current set of rules, but should make it easier for squadmembers to follow. One example, cited below, is that potential pepsquad girls won't be excluded just because they have a full set of teeth.
Athletic department officials feel that the absence of a gap will throw off opposing teams, although the girls will still be required to share their halitosis.
Shaving is discouraged, though a goatee (as pictured above) will be acceptable. Also, new spandex body stockings ( for that 'going to Wal-Mart' look) will be allowed to be worn when winter sets in.

The new height and weight restrictions will also set these girls apart from the smaller, scrawny cheerleaders from other SEC schools. Our new minimum is 200 lbs., an easily-met requirement for most to match our 6-foot minimum height requirement.

Grazing on the practice fields will be encouraged, and all candidates will have the opportunity to pull the sled during the offseason to maintain the turf on both the practice field AND the grass at Jordan-Hare stadium.

At Auburn University we want our cheerleaders to be competitive on every level, and the fair and carnival circuits are just two of the avenues on which you can succeed! We also suggest that our girls participate in WCW, WWF, or any Sumo Wrestling opportunities when presented!

Candidates for the Cheerleading Squad should be able to deadlift at least 200 lbs. and squat at least 300 lbs. on a regular basis.
This should literally help them 'pull their own weight' when eating in the dorms. Scholarship Cheerleaders have their very own stall, with a trough that STAYS full of high-protein, chemically-enhanced grains and vegetables.

Our cheerleaders will easily be described as 'two axe-handles across the back', a glowing term that refers to their magnificent girth. Our girls will have a presence like none other!

As an extra-added bonus, cheerleaders will be allowed to stand in for the sheep or other livestock at campus fraternity parties if they so desire. The ability to stand on one's toes (as pictured below) and bleat like a barnyard animal is a definite plus!
Thanks to Stephanie Tashbin for information and accompanying photographs...!

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